PERSONAL: I need to get this out...

For months, I have been crying my eyes out every weekend. Most people look forward to weekends, but not me. Every week the same promise is broken and I cry every time. My friends and officemates know me as a strong person but this time I can't be strong... I want to be strong... but it's so difficult to stop my tears. I wish I can give you my situation in detail... but I would rather say what I feel... I know I may say things that I might not mean but I really need to let this out...

I'm so tired of crying...
I want to give up on everything...
I feel like I'm being punished for having even a second of happiness...
I feel like I'm going crazy...
I want to disappear... I want to die but I don't want to kill myself...
I'm too scared of the pain...
I feel like I'm all alone...
I feel frustrated...
I want to hurt myself...
I don't want to feel anymore pain...
I want to escape...

I want to be happy again...
I don't want to cry anymore...
I want to overcome this disgusting self pity I'm feeling for myself... I have to...
I feel empty...

I can promise that I won't do anything stupid... even if I wanted to hurt myself, I'm too scared to do it. I just needed to let it out...

I really hate myself for not being able to tell my friends the truth about my problems... I'm too shy... I don't want to burden any one about it... I know my friends wouldn't mind... but I just can't even if i really wanted to... In denial? Pride? Embarrassment? Cowardice?

My problem is just some normal everyday thing.. I wish I can telepathically tell people to support me even if I don't open up...

After writing all this... I feel ashamed that I thought about those things... I feel much better though.. I just really needed to let it out... I wont do anything stupid...